I'm soooo fucked today! Need to spend like 5 hours finishing up this edit PLUS go down to the office and so far today I've: Woke up after having the best sex dream in a long time, laid on the couch, drinking tea for like 2 hours talking and hangin' with unh, talked on the phone for 2 hours with K, wrote an email to J and just got back from an hour long walk.
It's too nice out! I want to drink! I want to sit outside at Hopworks or sit outside and drink wine, and the truth of the matter is: I know I'm gonna do just that. I'm gonna fuck off this project and have to get up at like 5AM to finish it.
Or not.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Can't sleep
Went to bed at 11. Slept for 2.5 hours and have been awake ever since. I have so much I have to do in the next 7 days, it makes me sick just thinking of not getting sleep. Here's my plan. I do all of the things, I've agreed to do in the next 7 days. Every moment I'm not doing one of those things, I'll just go to bed. I already feel more relaxed about everything.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
bi polar
So, as I suspected, keeping a blog has already caused me to realize how totally run by emotions I am. Yesterday, I was in tears at the thought of doing the stupid video, and this morning I wake up feeling good about it. I woke up, actually WOKE UP THINKING, "Hey, this video project will be a chance for me to just focus on camera work." AND I feel excited about that and EVEN started looking up media/video degrees and classes.
Before I went to sleep last night, I thought of how people pray before bed and why. And then I thought, who is your God? REALLY, your God. When you make decisions throughout your day, what motivates you? When I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, what is that about? And I realized that all my motivations and reaching out beyond myself, thus waking in a panic, stem from the desire to do something that other people think is cool. OK. Cool is not a good word... It's this desire to be BETTER than what other people expect of me, to be BETTER than what I expect of myself.
And so I realize that currently, my God is this desire to do something that other people, and myself think of as "great". It is the motivation, the intention to do something better than what I can imagine.
I want a new God.
Before I went to sleep last night, I thought of how people pray before bed and why. And then I thought, who is your God? REALLY, your God. When you make decisions throughout your day, what motivates you? When I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, what is that about? And I realized that all my motivations and reaching out beyond myself, thus waking in a panic, stem from the desire to do something that other people think is cool. OK. Cool is not a good word... It's this desire to be BETTER than what other people expect of me, to be BETTER than what I expect of myself.
And so I realize that currently, my God is this desire to do something that other people, and myself think of as "great". It is the motivation, the intention to do something better than what I can imagine.
I want a new God.
Monday, March 31, 2008
New Day Ramblings
I'm in the void today. I feel seriously brain damaged. I had a meeting about the video and turns out, I get almost no say in it. Someone else is writing a tame ass script, that someone else will read in their tame ass voice and I get to come up with images to go along with it. Oh well, I guess it kind of takes a bit of work out of it. And then spend 5 days non stop editing something very boring and white bread. I seriously don't want to put my name on this trash.
I did an interview today and I was like a moron. I couldn't get my words out. I kept losing my thoughts and trying to focus and was like...ummmmmm...wha???? I feel like I'm on some serious drugs..Maybe that's the problem....Maybe I NEED to be on some serious drugs. drugas. Drugies. Druggy.
A picture of meth and the westcoast. Toothless, brainless, zombies. I saw a family of methies on the coast that to this day haunt me. It felt like they were from another planet, even worse than this one.
I'm listening to Unh. I don't like it a lot. Sometimes i do, but most of the time, not that impressed. I mean, technically, a good musician, but I just never get turned on by the music. Oh well, I don't want to do video for the city. I dont' want to be mediocre. I don't want to video forever. I want a fucking job that pays more than water. I want some fucking wine. I want to be Jim Morrison. But shower more. Not die in a bathtub. Not pee on the bar.
I did an interview today and I was like a moron. I couldn't get my words out. I kept losing my thoughts and trying to focus and was like...ummmmmm...wha???? I feel like I'm on some serious drugs..Maybe that's the problem....Maybe I NEED to be on some serious drugs. drugas. Drugies. Druggy.
A picture of meth and the westcoast. Toothless, brainless, zombies. I saw a family of methies on the coast that to this day haunt me. It felt like they were from another planet, even worse than this one.
I'm listening to Unh. I don't like it a lot. Sometimes i do, but most of the time, not that impressed. I mean, technically, a good musician, but I just never get turned on by the music. Oh well, I don't want to do video for the city. I dont' want to be mediocre. I don't want to video forever. I want a fucking job that pays more than water. I want some fucking wine. I want to be Jim Morrison. But shower more. Not die in a bathtub. Not pee on the bar.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
My Summer Vacation
The house is silent. Unohoo is at the X show.
This morning I tabled an event for the city. It was so fun. Someone told me that a group of kids in her neighborhood tried to start a garden on vacant land but got shut down by the city. I said "so they should fight the city, ignore them, or better yet find out why it got shut down and if there is a better place to do it at" I even told her about city repair, how they were the reason that the city changed their views on land use policies, and that the guerrilla garden kids should team up with them.
I met some awesome people. Even a black person that works for the city. Woo hoo! It was feelin' so white up in there! He's super awesome and all about interdepartmental projects, and getting out into the communities changing perceptions. As part of his job last year he went to a biodiesel convention with Randy Leonard and got to hang out with Willie Nelson. Fun conversations!
I met some great and glowing activists that seemed out of a novel. I was teary eyed at one point, just overwhelmed by the energy of the room. I talked to teachers, parents, people who were new in town, hippy types, nice young kids, angry activists and a differently abled guy who left his recumbent bike with me, never to return. I'm sure he came back for it!
I feel like I'm finally starting to realize that people are just people. I've always had this mild feeling of incompetence and of not being good enough. It's kept me separated from so many people and experiences. This internship is changing my reality a bit. I'm realizing that most problems actually do have solutions and that it takes cooperation, effort and a calm mind to get there. I saw today so many people doing their best, some pissed off, some blaming others, some sad, and some excited. In all of it, I see hope in the fact that people are coming out in droves, asking about how they can do their part, what water shed council to join, or how to build a green roof or bioswale in their yard.
I'm also thinking that for myself, the key to happiness is staying calm, not feeling overwhelmed and taking one situation at a time, to push ahead, even when people look at me like I'm a little freaky. I want to always push through fear and do and say what I know to be true to me.
I'm reaching out.
This morning I tabled an event for the city. It was so fun. Someone told me that a group of kids in her neighborhood tried to start a garden on vacant land but got shut down by the city. I said "so they should fight the city, ignore them, or better yet find out why it got shut down and if there is a better place to do it at" I even told her about city repair, how they were the reason that the city changed their views on land use policies, and that the guerrilla garden kids should team up with them.
I met some awesome people. Even a black person that works for the city. Woo hoo! It was feelin' so white up in there! He's super awesome and all about interdepartmental projects, and getting out into the communities changing perceptions. As part of his job last year he went to a biodiesel convention with Randy Leonard and got to hang out with Willie Nelson. Fun conversations!
I met some great and glowing activists that seemed out of a novel. I was teary eyed at one point, just overwhelmed by the energy of the room. I talked to teachers, parents, people who were new in town, hippy types, nice young kids, angry activists and a differently abled guy who left his recumbent bike with me, never to return. I'm sure he came back for it!
I feel like I'm finally starting to realize that people are just people. I've always had this mild feeling of incompetence and of not being good enough. It's kept me separated from so many people and experiences. This internship is changing my reality a bit. I'm realizing that most problems actually do have solutions and that it takes cooperation, effort and a calm mind to get there. I saw today so many people doing their best, some pissed off, some blaming others, some sad, and some excited. In all of it, I see hope in the fact that people are coming out in droves, asking about how they can do their part, what water shed council to join, or how to build a green roof or bioswale in their yard.
I'm also thinking that for myself, the key to happiness is staying calm, not feeling overwhelmed and taking one situation at a time, to push ahead, even when people look at me like I'm a little freaky. I want to always push through fear and do and say what I know to be true to me.
I'm reaching out.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
bad thoughts
how spooky. A blog. I went to great lengths to make this private. Secret code words and all. Now I'll probably forget it all and never write another post.
Today I am a big fat sicko, did i mention fat? pig grrrrl. I am in a space of horrible self loathing. Oh did I mention I'm finally bleeding after 3 days of spotting some weird brown blood?
I woke up in the middle of the night last night in complete fear. I don't know what I'm doing at work. I feel I'm totally in over my head. AND the worst part is: all I'd have to do to get my shit together is sit down with my software manual and learn the shit, but it's like I'm seriously brain dead. I can get to a certain point but now I'm stuck...and I need to push out of it.
This is depressing. Gotta go and fold laundry. Will write more when unohoo isn't lurking over my fucking shoulder.
Today I am a big fat sicko, did i mention fat? pig grrrrl. I am in a space of horrible self loathing. Oh did I mention I'm finally bleeding after 3 days of spotting some weird brown blood?
I woke up in the middle of the night last night in complete fear. I don't know what I'm doing at work. I feel I'm totally in over my head. AND the worst part is: all I'd have to do to get my shit together is sit down with my software manual and learn the shit, but it's like I'm seriously brain dead. I can get to a certain point but now I'm stuck...and I need to push out of it.
This is depressing. Gotta go and fold laundry. Will write more when unohoo isn't lurking over my fucking shoulder.
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